Dreams and Traditions

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Having recently read “Lean In” by Shreyl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, all the talk of women not being proactive enough at work, and denying themselves the ambition is fresh in my mind. As I see it, women do assume that their place is following their spouse after marriage, to wherever in the world he ends up. In doing so they sacrifice their career, friends and family. Now I understand love makes people do crazy things, but when did you last hear that a man quit his job to relocate to the city his wife works at?

I have never been made to think that I could not achieve or do certain things by virtue of my gender. I guess, I owe almost all of that to my parents, who always encouraged me to move beyond gender stereotypes. Coming from India, which Hofstede calls a “Masculine” country by virtue of its values of aggression and competition, and the general dominance of men in all areas of work from bartending to taxi driving, as well as a skewed sex ratio, the men outnumbering the women, I never felt impeded by my gender professionally. Ofcourse this was the naïve age of innocence, when I was in college and a graduate student in Delhi.

As I started my PhD, soon I realized, through chance conversations with old friends and acquaintances, about how being on the path to being “more educated than the average Indian man, may make other men in my life feel intimidated.”  While I was rendered speechless by the explicit nature of this query, I felt foolish for never having thought this might actually be the case. Needless to say I spent many days and nights wondering, if men thought that I was intimidating because of my education credentials, then I might never actually find a guy who would like me! It seemed pretty far-fetched so I dropped the idea eventually. This was a pre-mature decision in hindsight, since many conversations hence, have led me to the conclusion that a woman’s ambitious streak is regarded with as much contempt and judgment as a man carrying a ladies handbag to work. 

From an evolutionary perspective men have been the hunter-gatherers, thus being responsible for providing food and shelter for their kin. Woman always took the role of nurturing the young offspring. Of course I am talking thousands of years ago when we spoke cryptic languages, and made ornaments from clay. This argument obviously falls flat now, considering that both men and women contribute or atleast are capable of contributing equally to the families incomes.

Woman do have a physiological and biological selection to be the bearer of a offspring, courtesy the womb, yet the task of the primary caregiver also falls upon the woman, even if she is working, until many months after the child has been weaned off. There are exceptions to this rule of course, however, but the point is not to bring home the few cases, but to elaborate what happens at large.

Having been recently married, I did not perceive any change in my professional or academic life, and to be honest there isn’t. But the many women in my life, make sure to remind me that I must fulfill my “wifely” duties and live with my husband who works in another city. I feel saddened that these voices belong to many educated and professional women, who perhaps should encourage each other to pursue their dreams, rather than advocate me to charter along a path of archaic sexist traditions

Moving on to the role of a teacher in a class comprising mostly boys, it is also often difficult to get your point across, being funny and meaning business at the same time. A man could do it with great ease, but for a woman, it’s often the dichotomous variable: Mean and strict or friendly and easy going. So when I go out in the class and try to lighten the mood with a joke, and then later come around with a strict face to get everyone to shut their laptops, the transition isn’t easy. The students don’t expect this mercurial nature, and of course the routine takes time to get used to. I am still shaky, but I am sure it is possible to perfect. The stereotypical mean woman teacher who wreaks death upon all wayward students, or the timid new lady teacher wanting to appease the class, these images have to be destroyed, and fast. Studies show that women who are aggressive at work place are judged to be mean and “bitchy”, where as a man exhibiting the same behavior is judged as “competitive and achievement oriented”. In a teaching environment too, the same stereotypes would hold.

Finally, breaking into the “boys club” at any organization isn’t easy. Boys club are synonymous with talks of snooker, poker, American football, and related activities, accompanied by a feeling that it is their turf and theirs alone to traverse. By default, the women aren’t invited, since it is assumed that they are ignorant or uninterested or both for that matter! This makes entrenchment increasingly difficult for women. But of course, taking up initiatives of your own, and not waiting for the men at the work place to make an activity event, would of course enable a level proactiveness, that can be rewarded by like minded participation.

I guess I am writing this because I wanted people to know, that women are not there to follow men. Be it as wives, following husbands to their place of work, or as girlfriends sacrificing their promising careers for love. Yes, some would say they’d do it happily so to be with their loved one. But love to me, is what transcends borders, boundaries, and archaic traditions.

I don’t know when I would actually end up living together with my husband, maybe this year maybe next. Maybe something will present itself to me, and everything will fall into place. Untill then, I am moving on with my dreams, and ambitions, as some call it. Trudging on into the darkness to find out who I am.

Love doesn’t need a reason, it just needs faith. Whether its love for another person, love for yourself or love for your dreams.