The last few weeks have been particularly bereft of
inspiration. Returning to Madrid after many days spent with family was always
hard but never as difficult as this time around. With an article review
decision pending somewhere, dangling near the horizon, and the thesis proposal
being delayed for many months, I was losing all hope there was.
While commencing a PhD I never envisioned this day, where I
would be fighting to stay afloat in more ways than one. I guess we never really
see that far. But battles of motivation are fought everyday, by everyone. The
frontiers differ, the weapons too. But the strife and angst is very real.
Usually I let these grey clouds of insipid and lackluster
dejection pass by, waiting for the clear blue skies to show me the light.
However this time around, the cosmos had something else in mind.
As I stumbled through Altdstadt in Nuremberg, the snow
flurries floating in the air with a careless abandon then placing themselves
delicately on the ground, I was empty. Not empty in a spiritual sense, but more
in a cognitive overload fashion. As I walked slowly through narrow
streets, I saw a big book store,
without the slightest hesitation, I entered and asked for the English section.
Up I went, to the second floor and discovered an array of books after books. My
mood lifted, and the haze of emptiness started to give way to an adrenaline
rush. Needless to say, I bought several books-fiction, non-fiction, mysteries,
and biographies. I felt I had met some long lost friends, and I couldn’t wait
to embark on an adventure with all of them. Just as I was about to leave, I saw
a little pistachio green book titled “ Inspiration for Writers”. I opened it,
and the first quote I landed on, went like this: “Writing is the Geometry of
the soul.” And in this little way, this tiny pistachio green colored book
reminded me what was important to me. I devoured the book within minutes of
purchasing it. My most memorable quote would have to be “…fill the paper with the breathings of your heart” –William Wordsworth.
And this way, the universe told me, that there was something I believed in, and
there was something greater than me.
Another instance close to the one narrated above also in the
realm of books, inspired me, and got me going to stretch beyond my fatigued and
mellow motivation. I had picked up the book Lean In by Sherly Sandberg, the COO
of Facebook at the Frankfurt Central Station. I was skeptical at best about
reading this book, but what it had in store for me, took me completely by
surprise. In her book she talks of the startlingly skewed gender representation
in upper echelons of management, and goes on to explain how psychological and
socially we might be brining that about. I found myself nodding in agreement to
so many instances, where I have pulled back or not behaved aggressively, as she
rightly explains that women behaving in that very fashion tend to be perceived
negatively. While a man being authoritative is deemed as him being true to his
“role” or “position” or his nature even. A woman behaving in the same fashion
is dubbed with expletives which usually have the adjective “iron”,
“cold-hearted”, “mean” pre-fixed to them. Reading Ms. Sandberg’s research
backed narrative gave me a much-needed motivation in terms of analyzing my own
behavior and that of others around me.
Being recently married though, I do not see myself culling my career or
sidetracking my professional and academic aspirations. Thankfully my husband
respects that, and I know I will only respect myself when I can hold my own- be
it in a city where he is or be it 1000 miles from where he is. Ms. Sandberg’s books conveyed that only
4% of women expected that their partners would move to accommodate their
relocation. Although this is an abysmal statistic, it made me want to try
harder and not give up. The passion and gumption endowed in the tone of this
book, makes me believe in my dreams and goals a bit more. It even rekindles my
sleepy motivation and charges it to a new high by making me feel I belong to
this community of young and independent woman, who are trying to battle this
self-incriminating gender bias.
Finally, my third dose of inspiration came from chatting
with a close family member today. In trying to solve an external problem, I realized
an internal issue that needed sorting on my part which could be the very cure.
This rendered me empowered, and in control. Although in reality, what I really
need to learn is to let go in situations outside my control, but that’s another
battle, for another day. For
motivations and its related minions, I am happy with the three doses that made
their way to me- be in the form of an inspirational quote, a book from a
powerful business woman or simple a moment of self-realization. So thank you
dear Universe and its manifestation- my friends – my books. You always find me
when I need you most.
