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Having recently read “Lean In” by Shreyl Sandberg, COO of
Facebook, all the talk of women not being proactive enough at work, and denying
themselves the ambition is fresh in my mind. As I see it, women do assume that
their place is following their spouse after marriage, to wherever in the world
he ends up. In doing so they sacrifice their career, friends and family. Now I
understand love makes people do crazy things, but when did you last hear that a
man quit his job to relocate to the city his wife works at?
I have never been made to think that I could not achieve or
do certain things by virtue of my gender. I guess, I owe almost all of that to
my parents, who always encouraged me to move beyond gender stereotypes. Coming
from India, which Hofstede calls a “Masculine” country by virtue of its values
of aggression and competition, and the general dominance of men in all areas of
work from bartending to taxi driving, as well as a skewed sex ratio, the men
outnumbering the women, I never felt impeded by my gender professionally.
Ofcourse this was the naïve age of innocence, when I was in college and a
graduate student in Delhi.
As I started my PhD, soon I realized, through chance
conversations with old friends and acquaintances, about how being on the path to
being “more educated than the average Indian man, may make other men in my life
feel intimidated.” While I was
rendered speechless by the explicit nature of this query, I felt foolish for
never having thought this might actually be the case. Needless to say I spent
many days and nights wondering, if men thought that I was intimidating because
of my education credentials, then I might never actually find a guy who would
like me! It seemed pretty far-fetched so I dropped the idea eventually. This
was a pre-mature decision in hindsight, since many conversations hence, have
led me to the conclusion that a woman’s ambitious streak is regarded with as
much contempt and judgment as a man carrying a ladies handbag to work.
From an evolutionary perspective men have been the
hunter-gatherers, thus being responsible for providing food and shelter for
their kin. Woman always took the role of nurturing the young offspring. Of course
I am talking thousands of years ago when we spoke cryptic languages, and made
ornaments from clay. This argument obviously falls flat now, considering that
both men and women contribute or atleast are capable of contributing equally to
the families incomes.
Woman do have a physiological and biological selection to be
the bearer of a offspring, courtesy the womb, yet the task of the primary caregiver
also falls upon the woman, even if she is working, until many months after the
child has been weaned off. There are exceptions to this rule of course,
however, but the point is not to bring home the few cases, but to elaborate
what happens at large.
Having been recently married, I did not perceive any change
in my professional or academic life, and to be honest there isn’t. But the many
women in my life, make sure to remind me that I must fulfill my “wifely” duties
and live with my husband who works in another city. I feel saddened that these
voices belong to many educated and professional women, who perhaps should
encourage each other to pursue their dreams, rather than advocate me to charter
along a path of archaic sexist traditions
Moving on to the role of a teacher in a class comprising
mostly boys, it is also often difficult to get your point across, being funny
and meaning business at the same time. A man could do it with great ease, but
for a woman, it’s often the dichotomous variable: Mean and strict or friendly
and easy going. So when I go out in the class and try to lighten the mood with
a joke, and then later come around with a strict face to get everyone to shut their
laptops, the transition isn’t easy. The students don’t expect this mercurial
nature, and of course the routine takes time to get used to. I am still shaky,
but I am sure it is possible to perfect. The stereotypical mean woman teacher
who wreaks death upon all wayward students, or the timid new lady teacher
wanting to appease the class, these images have to be destroyed, and fast.
Studies show that women who are aggressive at work place are judged to be mean
and “bitchy”, where as a man exhibiting the same behavior is judged as “competitive
and achievement oriented”. In a teaching environment too, the same stereotypes
would hold.
Finally, breaking into the “boys club” at any organization
isn’t easy. Boys club are synonymous with talks of snooker, poker, American
football, and related activities, accompanied by a feeling that it is their
turf and theirs alone to traverse. By default, the women aren’t invited, since
it is assumed that they are ignorant or uninterested or both for that matter!
This makes entrenchment increasingly difficult for women. But of course, taking
up initiatives of your own, and not waiting for the men at the work place to
make an activity event, would of course enable a level proactiveness, that can
be rewarded by like minded participation.
I guess I am writing this because I wanted people to know,
that women are not there to follow men. Be it as wives, following husbands to
their place of work, or as girlfriends sacrificing their promising careers for
love. Yes, some would say they’d do it happily so to be with their loved one.
But love to me, is what transcends borders, boundaries, and archaic traditions.
I don’t know when I would actually end up living together
with my husband, maybe this year maybe next. Maybe something will present
itself to me, and everything will fall into place. Untill then, I am moving on
with my dreams, and ambitions, as some call it. Trudging on into the darkness
to find out who I am.
Love doesn’t need a reason, it just needs faith. Whether its
love for another person, love for yourself or love for your dreams.
